In 2007 I was much more obnoxious (and had more free time) and I wrote a post about whether chimps could take over our jobs.
I’m still sure that they could definitely perform certain functions in this industry, besides being DAMNED cute even if they are fairly deadly, but what about some of the new roles that have come about or gotten more important in the past 5 1/2 years? Could a chimp do those too?
Damn right she could.
Content Marketing
Create sites that are great and useful, totally relevant, and constantly updated with new and brilliant content that people love, socialize, and editorially link to? Um, no, but can you do that either? Enough said.
AMAs
The beauty of chimps, as well as any other animal, is that you truly can ask them anything. They may not answer but you don’t have to get all cranky about it. In fact, some of their answers may be much less evasive than those of other popular SEO figures. Chimps may actually know what they’re talking about, too. Chimps can type (better than some of you, you lazy sods) and use sign language so I imagine a chimp AMA would be enlightening, entertaining, and you’d come out of the whole experience a better SEO. Just don’t ask them anything stupid like “how does a monkey get an Adwords account?” because remember, a chimp is not a freaking monkey. Are you a monkey? NO. Neither is a chimpanzee.
ASK.
ME.
ANYTHING.
Answering Questions On Quora
First of all I would like to say that in doing some research for this piece (because it’s so scientific) I came across the best chimp question ever outside of “Can a chimp impregnate a human?” which was “Would a chimpanzee enjoy going on a roller coaster?” My god, the imagery!! The answer is obviously yes, by the way. The difference in an AMA and Quora is that questions on Quora are much funnier and the answers given by people who are total idiots are really fun to read. A chimp could totally give a senseless answer that would make you wonder if you were actually the moron. You know those people who say things like “well it depends on 200 factors, none of which I can really talk about because I could get into trouble with Matt Cutts but I do have it on good authority that those 200 factors are subject to change but again, I can’t say any more. I’ve said too much already.”?? Well, a chimp could absolutely outclass those losers. A chimp could answer much more definitively and could back it up because who’s going to mess with one of those big hairy bastards?? They’ll rip your arms and genitals off, and don’t you ever forget it. You’ll read their answers and you’ll damn well like them, then follow them on Quora because they’re experts. And you don’t want to lose your arms and genitals.
Ranting Online
I think that a chimp would excel in this area because they are very good at waving their arms around, loudly chattering, and looking like brats. They also seem to be photographed in diapers or toddler attire on a regular basis, again fitting the profile of some online fussy pants. An online rant isn’t too different. You think a chimp’s post is crap or adds no value to the topic? Go ahead and tell her that and stand back. Hell hath no fury like a chimp, um, told that her post is crap or adds no value to the topic. Chimps are known to occasionally turn on people that they love, so imagine if they don’t like you and you talk some trash. You’re dead meat. They’ll get in your car after maiming you and probably get into a bit of a fender bender which YOU will end up paying for of course because I bet you didn’t think to add them to your insurance policy did you? Fools.
Negative SEO
Any animal known to regularly fling poo is an animal that could be brilliant at negative SEO. Research has just shown that female chimps can get really nasty in female-on-female interactions (I swear to God that is not a dirty story) so imagine what they could do if a competing site, run by a female of course, continues to beat them no matter how many networked links they buy or how much content they spin. They will take it DOWN. They could bang out fake negative reviews on their internet-connected typewriters (since they like typewriters, being all old school) and diss you on Twitter. If their avatar is seductive, chances are they’ll have many male SEOs in the industry backing them up, too.
Credit goes to ebaumsworld.com for this wonderful image.
Link Cleanup
Chimps are brilliant at making a mess but can they clean one up? No, but how successful are your damn link cleanup jobs??? Have you just restored your site to its former pre-Penguin glory? Have you done fewer than 18 reconsideration requests? Ok then. You can hush.
Building Tools
Chimps are great users of tools, and can make weapons out of lots of things and not just their own poo. That horrible chimp Travis (who names a chimp Travis?) was known to drink wine from a stemmed glass, something I still haven’t mastered. (Note: I am not making fun of anyone Travis hurt. Only Travis himself.) They can also ride on segways which some of our local police can’t handle without running someone over. Any chimp who can do that can build a tool to knock someone’s teeth out or tell you what your percentage of brand anchors is.
Community Management
Chimps ARE fiercely protective, so this would be a natural fit, plus they’re terrifying when they’re angry, like some of you. If they could figure out how to be online most of the time and set up brand alerts, I’m pretty sure a chimp could kick ass at this job. You talk junk about a chimp’s online member community, you’ll probably end up having your genitals ripped off.
I’m sure there are many others tasks and jobs that are suited to the chimp mindset and lifestyle (open air offices will always be a plus and they may smoke less than some of your coworkers…maybe) so will we be in danger of being replaced? Who will be the first to hire a chimp intern and try it out? Is that tax deductible? Could using chimps for SEO become the new thing, and if it can and does, will we need to rebrand the term used for it in a few years, causing tons of SEOs to have to change their titles? How can we get on top of this potential new chimp movement and future-proof our link building strategy so that we don’t get kicked out of Google???? Will “use of chimps” be added to the Webmaster Guidelines violations???
I’m going to have to take a Xanax now.
